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Alumni Stories

“I am proof that

recovery is possible”

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Cove alumni Karen M. shares her journey of hope and recovery

Recovery is possible

I am proof that recovery is possible. I went from being in my active addiction for over two decades. Homeless, walking the streets in one flip flop and eating out of a dumpster at one point. And here I sit, nine years in my sobriety, I haven’t picked up one mind altering substance in the last nine years. And I know there’s hope. I know it without a shadow of a doubt.

 

A long journey

My life was not a pretty picture. I was in my active addiction for over two decades. And as with the disease of addiction, it’s progressive. And it gets worse over time. And so towards the end, before I finally decided to surrender and get the help that I deserved and needed, I was a mess, you know, I was homeless. My family didn’t want much to do with me. I was unemployable. I had lost my son already once to the Department of Children and Families because I was an unfit mother. I was not so much suicidal, but I just didn’t want to live anymore. Yeah, it was was not a not a pleasant thing. 
 
What I struggled with most was alcohol. I just turned 14 years old, and I drank alcohol for the first time. And so it started with alcohol and it ended with alcohol. But in between there was lots of drugs, there was cocaine, there was ecstasy, there was acid, there was, all kinds of street drugs and, doctor shopping, opioids. I mean, there was a little bit of everything in there.

 

Substance abuse and mental health

I think, really, substance abuse and mental health go hand in hand. I know for me, one of the reasons that I started using drugs at a very young age is because I had low self-esteem, low self-worth. I was very overweight as a child, so I was bullied. I was picked on, and then at the age of 13 or 14, I wanted some form of social acceptability. So I started hanging out with misfits, the people that were using drugs and things like that. I think as a result of me starting, I think I had some depression early on from just having low self-esteem. 
 
I think that using substances the way I used them ultimately made me very shameful and guilty and remorseful, which kind of tied into a lot of the mental health challenges that I was suffering. And also too, I had many doctors along my journey of substance use tell me I’m bipolar. You have depression, you have all these things. 
 
But the reality was that I was using so much substances that I was exhibiting behaviors of depression or mania because I was using amphetamines and I was up for days, or I was using downers and I was down. So I think the more that I’ve been in my recovery now, the mental health stuff has subsided and it’s kind of balanced itself out.

 

Addiction and relationships

I was absent from family functions for many, many years. I wasn’t present. Addiction causes people to isolate, to be very self-centered, selfish, and as you can imagine, I mean, I wasn’t able to function. I wasn’t able to hold down relationships with significant others. I wasn’t able to hold down a relationship with my employer because I would come to work drunk, and ultimately get terminated. I wasn’t able to be a good daughter to my parents because I was missing in action for weeks. And I didn’t care. Like there was one thing that I wanted in life, and that was to fill my void. 

 

Getting help, finding hope

Prior to coming to Cove, I had attempted many, many times to get sober. I was in my active addiction for over two decades. The first ten years was a party. It was a big party, although there were consequences. And even in that first ten years, when I was still living at home with my parents, they recognized that I was having challenges. So I think at the age of 14, they started taking me to see therapists and psychiatrists and things of that nature. But as I actively and progressively got more and more into my addiction, things would happen and I would end up in an emergency room under a Baker act, or I would be very drunk and have cops pick me up bring me to the hospital.
 
And there were times where they would say you are not going home, you need to go to treatment. So I did, prior to me coming to Cove, for almost ten years. I was back and forth in hospitals and outpatient services and therapists, and I think I had gone to probably a handful of other residential programs prior to coming to the Cove. 
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There was a significant event that ultimately led me here, which was the birth of my son. I was in my active addiction, and I got pregnant with my son and I was in my active addiction while I was pregnant with him. I can always remember because I had gone to treatment before and I had always remembered seeing pregnant women in treatment. And I always say, oh gosh, you know, if I ever had a baby, I would never be that woman. I would quit using. Well, I got pregnant and I was that woman, and I was using amphetamines while I was pregnant.

And, you know, by the grace of God, he came out wonderful. He’s a healthy little boy, but he is the catalyst, really, that thrusted me into turning my life around, because I had him in my addiction and the department of Children and Families had removed him from me because I was an unfit mother.

It got to a point where I was like, oh my gosh, he’s the only thing I’ve ever done perfect in this life. Like I’ve given everything else to my disease. I’ve given family, I’ve given relationships, I’ve given jobs, I’ve given my soul, and I’m not about to allow the disease of addiction to take this perfect little baby that I did so perfectly.

So that was really the catalyst that opened up my eyes. And there’s a wonderful women and children program at Cove. I participated in Women’s Residential. I went through that whole program, transitioned into an intensive outpatient program and then outpatient therapy. I really went through the full continuum of care. Being here at first felt scary. But there was also a sense of… relief. Relief that I was surrounded by other women who were in the same boat that I was in. They were going through some of the same things with child custody battles. They were all suffering from some type of drug or alcohol addiction, mental health things.

So it it was scary at first, but but the more that I got involved with the groups and really chose to stick with the winners and surround myself with people who were doing the deal and relying upon my therapist and counselors to give me the feedback and resources and tools that I needed and not to enable me, but really call me out on my character defects and things of that nature. I mean, when I finally got engaged into the program, it was wonderful. I felt like I had a chance. There were people here that were going to support me and help me to get sober and also get my kid back.

 

A stable life

I think for me, the greatest thing that I’ve gotten from here was it allowed me to get stabilized. And here I am nine years later in my recovery, and I still have some of the greatest relationships with staff that worked here Residential program with that graduated and they have gotten their kids back and they’re thriving in life. I have good, good relationships with them. So I think that was unexpected. I expected to just come here, sober up, get my life back together, and peace out. See you guys later. But that’s not so. I mean, here we are almost a decade later, and I’ve developed some really strong relationships with the people that I’ve worked with and that I was in treatment with.

I felt safe when I was here. I felt safe, especially because of the facility itself. It was not an open facility where there are people just walking all around. I felt safe as far as my surroundings and being in a place where I didn’t feel threatened or anything of that nature. Because a lot of the times with substance abuse comes trauma from being out on the streets and having to look over your shoulder.

I felt safe here. And as far as being able to openly communicate my feelings and things of that nature, I felt like I had an open and safe place to be able to share that.  

 

New set of tools

Some of the tools that I have in my little toolbox now that I did not have prior to coming to the Cove are going to be things that I learned here, like relapse prevention. I didn’t know what that was when I got here. I just relapsed. That was the thing. So tips on how to process, you know, what I loved too is they used a lot of evidence based treatment modalities like cognitive behavioral therapy, dialectical behavioral therapy, smart recovery, some of those things that they were using in a group environment or a one on one counseling session. I didn’t realize that these therapists were practicing things that they’ve gone to school for, but they were helping me to to take a look at like why am I so impulsive? Why do I act on my impulsive activity before I think about it.

 

Recovery

I will always take that with me, stick with the winners and stay clean long enough to recover. Something I would love to be able to give to someone who is actively in their addiction. I would love to be able to sprinkle my ten years of recovery on them and go, look how good this feels like. Just you never have to use again. I went from homelessness to owning multiple homes, multiple cars. I have a career. I have full custody of my son today. I have a relationship with my family. They say, here’s the keys to our house. Watch the dogs. We’re going on vacation. Like all those things have come back to me tenfold.

But I had to stay clean, I had to. This was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. It really was. The hardest thing I ever had to do was surrender. Unlearn all the behaviors I’ve learned in my addiction. Relearn all these healthy behaviors.

So what I would say to someone who is actively in their addiction is just, you have to want this. You have to want this for yourself. Your husband can’t make you change, the court system can’t make you change. Your child can’t make you change, your spouse, your family. Like you have to be the one that wants it. Is the pain great enough? Does it hurt bad enough? Because if it does, follow us. Follow what we’ve done. Follow what they’re telling you to do at the Cove. And eventually one year will turn into two years, and two years will turn into four years, and four years will turn into eight years. And then you’ll have a decade and you’ll have all these things back tenfold.

Like, life is really good. Life is really good.

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